Drain Bamage

It's Been a Long Time ...

2006-10-28T13:11:00.000-07:00

... and I still miss Mitch.

A few Mitch quotes ...

"I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone needs to get a hold of me, they just say, "Mitch," and I say, "What?" and turn my head slightly."

"My friend said to me, "You know what I like? Mashed potatoes." I was like, "Dude, you have to give me time to guess. If you're going to quiz me you have to insert a pause in there." "

"I was walking down the street with my friend and he said, "I hear music." As though there's any other way to take it in. You're not special. That's how I receive it too. I tried to taste it, but it did not work."

"My friend said to me, "Man, this weather is trippy." I said to him, "No, man, it's not the weather that is trippy. Perhaps it is the way we perceive it that is indeed trippy." Then I thought, "Man, I should have just said, 'Yeah.'" "

...sigh...

The Bionic Son

2005-04-05T21:39:00.000-07:00

Not to be outdone by his Uncle Clayton's recent bizarre bowling accident, Joel has managed to fracture and dislocate the bones in his left arm near the wrist; the head of both the radius and ulna were completely fractured and dislocated in what Joel is describing as an "incident" involving a starcase in a Central Valley mall on Saturday, April 2, 2005.

Here we have Joel, less than one day old, showing the incredible flexibility of his right wrist. Although not apparent in this photo, the left wrist had the same amazing range of motion.

Joel - 10/31/85

Below is another photo of Joel (with me). Again, his right arm dominates the landscape, however his left hand can be seen around my shoulder, bending as it should.

Look Ma, Two Hands!

This xray is NOT Joel's, however it does show a similar fracture and dislocation to the same bones:

BEFORE

Joel underwent surgery today to reconstruct the damage. After the magic of power tools and a talented orthopedic surgeon, here's an actual x-ray of Joel's new and improved wrist:

AFTER.

Joel's new bionic wrist sports five pins to reconstruct the fractured radius. The fractured ulna (smaller bone on left side of x-ray) remains detached and floating for now (the bone does go all the way up to the hand, it just didn't come out too clearly on the scanned picture). The horizontal white line shows the level of the fracture of both bones -- very close to the wrist.

Chinese Food For Thought

2005-04-02T22:10:00.000-08:00

Ok so I take this medicine that has this weird a side effect ... it has screwed with the language center and memory in my brain.

One thing is that sometimes in conversation I have trouble finding the right word; there is a word for this condition, but I can't remember it at the moment... (This doesn't happen when I'm writing, go figure). So I can explain the word I'm thinking of, sometimes even tell you what letter it starts with, but the word itself is completely lost. For example, my white fluffy cat is named Tober. One time I was talking to my mother on the phone and couldn't get Tober's name. So out of frustration, I just said, "You know, the white thing." That has been an ongoing joke in my famly ever since.

And then there's the times that I don't know that I don't access the right word ... another word just pops out before I have a chance to know what's happening. I was wanting to say, "Let's move the umbrella" but what came out was, "Let's move the envelope." WTF??? "Chinese food" was another of these situations, but I can't remember what it was I wanted to say instead!

Another freaky thing is that I will often invert the first letter of two words (i.e., "I'm tying my shoe" might come out, "I'm shying my too.")

And the other thing is similar to inverting letters of words, but I invert the words themselves. For example I might want to say, "I'm tying my shoe" but it comes out, "I'm shooing my tie."

So last night Tom and I are watching this Chinese film with English subtitles. There was this part where someone was doing math on a chalkboard and I was amazed that I finally understood something in the movie without subtitles! It was so cool to think that math is the universal language. So I said it, but it didn't come out exactly that way. It came out like this: "Manguage is the universal lath." That was a double inversion: words AND letters. I had to pause the movie and write it down, because I knew I'd never remember it ... given my "delicate condition."

So the best news is that I talked to my doctor about it, fearing I was suffering some neurological problem or having strokes, and he said it's totally expected with this medicine. Know the funny thing, I think I might miss this problem when I stop taking the medicine (it is temporary the doctor assured me). It gives me (and everyone I know) a chance to laugh at me!

Pope John Paul II Dies...

2005-04-02T21:21:00.000-08:00

... so THAT happened ...

April Fool's Day - Anyone Dead?

2005-04-01T11:45:00.000-08:00

Let's play a little game ... who is NOT going to die today? This shit is getting a little bit morbid.

Here's my top ten list of who will NOT die today and the percentage of certainty I'm assigning to each prediction (notice Pope JP isn't on the list? That's like taking candy from a baby):

10. Dick Cheney - 47%
9. Ryan Seacrest - 91%
8. Allison Stern - 88%
7. Steve Irwin, The Crocodile Hunter - 7%
6. Steve Irwin's baby - 99% (if not left to the care of his father)
5. The Mother of Michael Jackson's Accuser - 29%
4. "Blanket" Jackson, Michael Jackson's son - 98% (if not near a balcony in the care of his father)
3. Camilla Parker Bowles - 82% (If guarded when in the presence of the Queen)
2. Elvis - 100%

And the number one person who is not going to die today ...

1. Me - 99% (not today, too busy)

Mitch Hedberg Dies at Age 37

2005-03-31T23:24:00.000-08:00

Ok, this is just wrong. The pope was supposed to be next.

Mitch Hedberg

If you don't know who Mitch Hedberg is, then you're a fuckhead.

http://www.comcast.net/entertainment/index.jsp?cat=ENTERTAINMENT&fn=/2005/04/01/95866.html

Comedian and Actor Mitch Hedberg, 37, Dies
By Associated Press
1 hour ago

ST. PAUL, Minn. - Mitch Hedberg, a Minnesota-born comedian who worked in nightclubs, television and film in a wide-ranging career, died in New Jersey, his family said. He was 37.

Hedberg, who struggled with drugs and alcohol, died Wednesday in a hotel room in Livingston, N.J.

Pending the medical examiner's report, the cause of death appears to be heart failure, said his mother, Mary Hedberg. She said her son was born with a heart defect and frequently felt anxious about his condition.

Mary Hedberg said speculation that her son's death was drug-related was gossip.

"We don't know that for a fact," she said, but added, "it's not a secret Mitch used drugs. Whether that played a role in his death or not, we don't know."

A hit on "The Late Show With David Letterman," on which he appeared 10 times, and "The Howard Stern Show," Hedberg once was dubbed "the next Seinfeld" by Time magazine. But TV-series fame eluded him because his unique style of mumbled one-liners didn't lend itself to the sitcom format.

Hedberg delivered absurdist, random observations in a spacy staccato. His long, dirty blond hair harkened to the image of a 1970s stoner.

Jokes about Hedberg's drug use were a staple of his act. He took a hiatus from performing for several months after a May 2003 arrest in Austin, Texas, for felony possession of heroin.

Born in St. Paul, Hedberg rose through the ranks at Minneapolis' Acme Comedy Co. and caught his big break through a Comedy Central special.

His rambling, non-sequitur style often drew comparisons to Steven Wright, but Hedberg disagreed.

"If I made potato chips and put them in a can, people would say I was ripping off Pringles," he said. "But what if I put them in a bag?"

Hedberg had two popular comedy CDs, "Strategic Grill Locations" and "Mitch All Together." He acted in the movie "Almost Famous" - smoking fake pot with Peter Frampton - and appeared on Fox's hit series "That '70s Show."

Hedberg is survived by his wife, comedian Lynn Shawcroft, his father and mother, Arne and Mary Hedberg of St. Paul, and sisters Wendy Brown of Woodbury and Angie Anderson of South St. Paul.

Pope Won't Go To The Hospital

2005-03-31T23:06:00.000-08:00

The Pope is dying of heart failure and has refused to go to the hospital. He will die at the Vatican.

Where are the protesters? Shouldn't they be standing outside the Vatican with tape on their mouths? Shouldn't they storm the Vaitcan and FORCE him to the hospital? What does this say about the sanctity of life? Maybe the Italians are a little more realistic about these things. Perhaps it will take a few days for the Americans to get some time off of work, get their passports, and get on a plane headed for Rome.

I'm confused about the human race.

Terri Schaivo - Rest in Peace

2005-03-31T08:58:00.000-08:00

Terri Schaivo passed away today, may she rest in peace.

Now, I would challenge all those protesters to go out and put all their energy into making the world a better place. Go volunteer at a local school, give time to a homeless shelter, take in foster children, visit the elderly in a nursing home ... the possibilities are endless.

I can only imagine the good that could come of the collective energy if pointed in a productive direction.

Johnnie Cochran Dead - OJ Has Not Been Charged

2005-03-30T10:52:00.000-08:00

If it doesn't fit ... you must acquit.

Johnnie Cochran wasn't always a minion of Satan. He actually started his legal careeer working as a Deupty Attorney for the City of Los Angeles' criminal division. He made his way up the ranks to the County of Los Angeles where he was an Assistant District Attorney, you know, proscecuting the bad guys.

So far, the stuff of heroes ...

Later he drastically switched gears and started his own law firm, practicing law as an intemperate criminal defense attorney. Don't get me wrong, there is a place in society for criminal attorneys. For example, if I'm ever falsely accused of a crime, I want a top-notch attorney to represent me. But I wonder what, besides the almighty buck, motivates a lawyer to pursue a career in criminal defense. I mean, even if 50% of their clients are innocent, how do they reconcile the fact that they are working to get the other half of their clients, the guilty bastards, off the hook? How do they sleep at night? Does their flesh crawl when they catch a glimpse of themselves in the reflection of a storefront window?

Murder, rape, child abuse ... where, if anywhere, do they draw the line? Where does a criminal defense attorney store his/her conscience? Is there a small box in the bottom locked drawer of their desks where the conscience is placed when dealing with the clients whom they know are guilty of such atrocities?

And aside from the distressing part that Cochran played in getting a murderer back on the golf course, what about the degrading role he played in setting race relations back by decades? His racially-bisecting red-herring approach to the OJ trial was nothing less than contemptible. Shame on you, Mr. Cochran; that was very undude.

Perhaps the brain tumor that Cochran reportedly suffered wasn't just your ordinary cancerous cluster of rapdily-growing aggressive cells. Maybe it was a malignant swelling of the conscience that finally caught up to him.

Again With The Feeding Tubes ...

2005-03-30T09:13:00.000-08:00

So now 84-year old Pope John Paul II has had a nasogastric feeding tube. The reason: because another tube, inserted into his trachea to ease his breathing problems after throat surgery, was making it difficult for the Pope to eat and drink. This is different from Terri Shaivo's feeding tube that was inserted directly into her abdomen.

Apparently last year the Pope addressed a group of Catholic doctors and health care providers saying, "Under no circumstances should food and hydration be withheld from a patient." According to ABC News, some are considering that statement to be the Pope's Living Will.

Does that mean that the Pope doesn't have a real Advanced Directive in place? And if not, why?

Dude, you're 84 and in failing health. Time to get your shit correct.

Group Work --- Scmoop Work

2005-03-29T19:57:00.000-08:00

What the hell is this pathetic group work shit they make you do to get your degree in college? OMG I think I'm going to lose my mind with my new "little group" of four. Only two of us ever come to class, one keeps in touch by email, and the other just pisses on our ideas for our group projects.

I guess it's good for the young kids today who have gone to college fresh out of high school and have no life experience. But I feel like Mom here, trying to get everyone out the door to get to school on time. "Get your coats. Do you have your lunch? Did you brush your teeth? Why didn't you go before it was time to leave?"

Oy.

The De-Evolution of California's Illustrious Leader

2005-03-25T10:17:00.000-08:00

Arnold Schwarzenegger, Austrian Governor of the State of California (prior to 1983 he wasn't even a U.S. citizen).

Arnold Schwarzenegger, preparing for a life in politics by honing his body building skills and winning the title of Mr. Universe.

Arnold Schwarzenegger, Hopeful Bodybuilder: "Who me, Mr. Universe? Never!"

Arnold-Gotta-Pay-The-Rent-Schwarzenegger, "Who cares ... it's not like I'll ever run for political office one day. Who me, governor? What a joke."

And there you have it, folks, California's fearless leader. Just makes you proud to be from California, don't it?

Protesting Arnie - California Republican Party and Teacher Merit Pay

2005-03-25T09:49:00.000-08:00

From NBC news online 3/25/03. Check out the statement at the end of this article by Karen Hanretty, spokewsoman for the State Republican Party. If you disagree with her that this was just a union-organized protest, you might want to give her a call. Her numbers are: (916) 488-9496 (office) and (916) 752-2630 (cell) -- just google Karen Hanretty and you get both these numbers.

I had a long, intense phone conversation with this woman this morning, letting her know that I, for one, was there last night representing NO union. She said that apparently I was one of the few.

I tried to find out from ther what the criteria is for teacher merit pay. She refused to admit whether there there was or was not any published criteria in existence. She chided and scolded me for not supporting merit pay when I didn't even have the facts. I told her that's why I was calling ... to try and get the facts so I can understand the issue THEN make a decision. (She told me that I was just "afraid of the unknown"). I have researched high and low and can find NOTHING listing any sort of criteria.

Instead of answering my question, she spoke in rhetorical circles and became angry, condescending, rude, and actually interjected adolescent comments like"Yeah, whatever," "You just go ahead an keep protesting and waving your little picket sign," "Well you know college kids," and so many more that I can't remember at the moment. I am LIVID. Amazing.

The conversation ended when she said that she will call me back with more information later today. I asked her if the information would be on merit pay. She replied, "I will get you more information." I asked again if it would be information on merit pay; her elusive answers were making me wonder why she wasn't answering and just what information she would be getting to me. She finally snapped back at me, "Patti, what are we talking about here? Do you think I'm going to send you directions on how to cook your Easter ham?"

I told her that being a representative of the California Republican Party, she might do well to hone her people skills, because she was not making a good impression on me. Rude and condescending wasn't really working for me during this call.

Pass this information on to anyone in California who might be interested in this issue and call this woman to voice your opinion. But be warned, she's not the sharpest tack, and she can be juvenile and condescending ... pick up the phone and make yourself heard! And for the folks outside California who are reading this, just want you to know what's going on around here!
Patti

http://www.nbc11.com/politics/4317947/detail.html
Protesters Greet Governor
While Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger dined with wealthy donors inside the Fairmont Hotel, more than 1,000 nurses, teachers and others protested outside.

At the private gathering, the governor talked about 75 supporters who had paid from $1,000 to $100,000. Money from the event was earmarked for Citizens to Save California, a group heading the effort to qualify for the ballot Schwarzenegger's initiatives on teachers' pay and tenure, public employee pensions and budget reform.

Schwarzenegger is trying to raise $50 million to promote his plan, which includes redrawing the state's political map; paying teachers according to performance, not seniority; overhauling pensions for public employees; and limiting how much the state can spend.

"We're extremely mad," said Malinda Markowitz, a registered nurse at Good Samaritan Hospital in San Jose and a secretary for the California Nurses Association. "We're fighting mad, and we're not going to let this go. He's got to stop this."

The governor also has been collecting donations for his re-election committee, even though he has not announced if he is running in 2006.

Supporters dismissed the San Jose protest and other recent large demonstrations in Los Angeles and Irvine as little more than well-organized union rallies.

"This is a bunch of militant labor activists being riled up by union bosses," said Karen Hanretty, a spokeswoman for the state Republican Party. "Who's there who's not a union activist?"

The Case For Advanced Directives ... or ... Putting a Gag Ball in the Mouths of the Religious Right

2005-03-23T09:49:00.000-08:00

Terri Schiavo Now

Terri Schiavo Before

If ever there has been an argument for having a medical Advanced Directive in place, the case of Terri Schiavo should serve to bring it to the forefront of our minds.

The "before" picture of Terri was taken over fifteen years ago when she was vibrant young woman, full of life and cognition. Look at her smile, then look into her eyes. Her husband and friends remember Terri clearly stating back then that she never wanted to be kept alive should she ever be in this condition. One would think that making that statement to one's spouse would be enough. But apparently it is not.

Although an Advanced Directive would have made Terri's wishes legally binding, I wonder if we still might have ended up here, with Terri's parents battling her husband in court to keep their daughter "alive."

You see, one of the problems is this: a parent's worst nightmare is that their child will pre-decease them. So the Schindlers, Terri's parents, still want to believe that there is hope that their daughter will someday return to a conscious state. In fact, they believe that even today, she communicates with them through movement and vocalizing. But neurologists say that the only remaining functional part of her brain, the brain stem, is responsible for these types of involuntary movements.

Should this really be considered in Congress and in our Federal and Superior courts? Is this personal tragedy so important that our nation's leader should cut his Texas vacation short FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER DURING HIS ENTIRE STAY IN OFFICE? Hell, even the recent tsunami in Indonesia couldn't get the cowboy's ass off his horse and back to Washington. But then again, residents of Asia don't have any impact on the American election process, not like the American Right-to-Lifers do, anyway.

I will write my Advanced Directive from the boiler plate recommended by Ronn Owens, KGO radio host. The Advanced Directive can be downloaded from: http://www.lentillem.com/ahcd.html

And if that's not enough, here are my goddamn wishes on a blog, of all places:

1. Keep me alive, please. But ONLY keep me alive if there is some degree of reasonable hope and certainty that I will have a return of cognition. If after a reasonable amount of time (months (?), years (?) -- sorry but you will have to decide what's reasonable for obvious reasons) my consciousness has not returned and neurologists are tossing around phrases like "persistent vegitative state" it's time to rethink that keeping-me-alive business.

2. Even if I am not on a respirator but need a feeding tube, I stand by #1 above.

3. In either case (#1 or #2 above), I demand copious amounts of morphine. I don't want to feel the pain of anoxia or starvation and have openly enjoyed the morphine nod on the few occasions I have had it administered to me in the hospital.

3. Organ donation. Don't tell anyone that I'm a potential donor until the decision that I am dead has been fully reached, or the decision to stop life support (respirator, feeding tube, etc.) has been made. Then, have a field day harvesting the shit out of me. Don't know how many of my organs will still be desirable, but my eyesight isn't THAT bad ... maybe someone wants my corneas or something ... and if someone needs a finger and doesn't mind chronically dry cuticles, chop 'em off and spread the love.

4. Under NO circumstances do I want my entire body, or any part of it, donated for scientific research. Viable organs and in-demand parts should only be disributed to HUMAN BEINGS WHO WILL RECEIVE THEM. Do whatever you want with what's left over.

That's about it. Not too difficult. Short and sweet.

Now go write your own Advanced Directives ... and be careful out there!

Oh wait, and one more thing: Fuck you, Religious Right.

This Just In ...

2005-03-22T20:54:00.000-08:00

We have new information on the case of Clayton Smith's new front tooth. Apparently, when he is staring at the sun, his cap glows orange. Scientists are investigating this phenomenon and will issue their report as soon as they have arrived at a conclusion. Until then, Mr. Smith is being advised to stop staring at the sun lest he remain crunked for life.

Clayton Smith News Flash

2005-03-21T21:14:00.000-08:00

This just in ... Clayton Smith has received the medical care he has so desperately needed since the bowling accident last Friday night. He was seen by a female East Indian dentist today and after enduring more than four long hours in the dental chair, he has come out of the procedure with a successful root canal, and a temporary crown on his front tooth. The patient is recovering at home where he has been able to eat pizza and has been in contact with family members.

Clayton will undergo cementing of the permanent, porcelin crown in approximately two weeks. We will continue following this story and will provide updated photographs as they become available.

Clayton's new temporary tooth

Mae West

2005-03-21T18:49:00.000-08:00

Here's a shot of my '03 New Beetle, but I am old enough to still call her a "Bug." I've had her since she was born and have only racked up 8,000 miles on her (I think I need to get out more). She's a six-speed Turbo S and, remarkably, I haven't gotten any speeding tickets ... yet.

I call her Mae West because she's just so damn curvey!

My Silver Bullet

Snow in the Bay Area of California in April?

2005-03-21T18:07:00.000-08:00

Snowball fight in California in April? No wonder Tom's a little surprised!

Livingroom Redecoration, Summer 2004

2005-03-21T18:00:00.000-08:00

Livingroom redecoration. As you can see, Tober the cat, and Dave the dog are quite pleased with the new decor.

The Honorary Sister

2005-03-21T17:57:00.000-08:00

"Sister" Jennifer.

Tandem Christmas Party

2005-03-21T17:54:00.000-08:00

Tom and me ... the early years, December 1993.

New York, December 2003

2005-03-21T17:50:00.000-08:00

Me and Cousin David.

The Family

2005-03-21T17:49:00.000-08:00

The fam: Brian, Tom, Me, Joel, and Zac.

Sis

2005-03-21T17:44:00.000-08:00

Sister Elise.

Me and Sissy Chrissi

2005-03-21T17:39:00.000-08:00

This was taken at the San Mateo County Fair; I was 19 years old and Chrissi was 10. We did a dance recital that day then went and enjoyed the fair where we had this photo taken.

Me and sister, Chrissi ... circa 1980.

Weird Uncle Teddy

2005-03-21T17:38:00.000-08:00

Brother-you-talkin'-to-me?-Ted.

Black Widow Spider Bite

2005-03-21T17:26:00.000-08:00

For you arachnophobes out there ... here's a picture of the black widow spider bite on my thigh (June 2003).

This is what a black widow spider bite looks like. Not only ugly, but it makes you puke like a fountain, too.

Visiting Jennifer in Oregon

2005-03-21T16:55:00.000-08:00

From left to right: Brother Clayton Smith and girlfriend, Jackie, sister Patti Smith, and brother Ted Smith. Missing from the picture are sisters Elise Smith, and honorary sister, Jennifer Smith Wright (taking photo).

A few of the Smith siblings taken at a visit to Milwaukie, Oregon, March 2005.

Clayton Before the Accident

2005-03-21T16:47:00.000-08:00

We have received a photograph of Clayton Smith taken just weeks prior to his devastating injuries. Although his front teeth are not clearly visible in this photograph, the contentement of an easier time can easily be read on his face. He is standing along side his girlfriend, Jackie, who is remaining vigilantly at his side during this difficult time.

Clayton and Jackie

Update on Clayton's Broken Tooth

2005-03-21T16:31:00.000-08:00

Dateline: Woodinville, Washington

Clayton Smith visited a dentist today for a consultation to repair his right front tooth, broken in a bizarre bowling accident late Friday night. Mr. Smith, the brother of this blog's owner, is seen here on the phone with his sister while simultaneously taking a photograph of his injuries. He has yet to report back on the findings of the dental appointment.

More on this story as information unfolds.

Clayton's Broken Tooth

It's all Athena's Fault

2005-03-19T13:33:00.000-08:00

See, it went like this ...

Athena's husband, Alan, started a blog a while back and told me about it. So I checked it out and thought what a cool thing that was. I've seen others before that were creepy but Alan's wasn't and I realized it wasn't just a thing for acne-riddled adolescent fantasies including stuffed animals and Brittney Spears.

Then Athena mentioned a blog that she has been reading written by someone we don't know. I checked it out and it was pretty funny. Athena said that she and I should have blogs of our own, so I googled free blog sites and wound up here.

In less than 12 hours I now have two blogs and tons of entries. Who knew I was so full of BS? Apparenlty Athena did.

Clayton Broke His Tooth

2005-03-19T12:47:00.000-08:00

I am sad to report that my brother, Clayton, has broken his right front tooth in a bowling accident last night. Please send donations for a root canal and porcelin crown ASAP.

Uncle Teddy

2005-03-19T12:46:00.000-08:00

I am happy to report that my brother, Uncle Teddy, has just been released from the mental institution and has started his own blog. http://tedsplace4ever.blogspot.com/.

Why a blog, you ask?

2005-03-18T23:51:00.000-08:00

Just like all the young kids today, I have created this blog so that my meandering mind has a place to dump and flush. Yeah, like dropping the kids off a the pool. The congenitally abnormal placement of a large intestine in the neo-cortex of my brain needs to be emptied on a daily basis, otherwise the mental irregularity can be quite severe: often resulting in cranial cramping, bloating of the brain, blurry vision, oily stools and the inability to control them.

I have another blog at http://pattiperazzo.blogspot.com which is called A Place For My Stuff ... just an electronic filing cabinet of my academic / creative writing.

This will be a place for daily musings on life, the human race, and the stupidity inherent in the system.

Blog Virgin No Longer

2005-03-18T12:49:00.000-08:00

As I write this, I am being deflowered. My blog virgin status has officially changed. Just like the song promised ... Girl, you'll be a woman soon ...

It has happened!